The other side of my life : An Honest Story
hi guys,
maaf baru bisa nulis lagi... most of the reason was because i'm simply lazy. that's all...
maafkan penyakit yang tak kunjung sembuh ini...
Okay, postingan kali ini sebenernya gak mau bahas soal review makeup atau apapun itu...
I just think you guys deserve to know how i get up after everything happened in my life dan mungkin hal yang sama juga dirasakan sebagian orang (khususnya yang punya certa seperti aku). I want you guys to know that you are not alone and never be alone. End of story.
I'll start from the very beginning tho...
I was into singing from my elementary school... choir for most....
I started to dance when i was in Senior high school.. i found both things are amazing to me... those can be my best remedy and escapism, later on, i found acting also in my blood... i don't even know what to call myself until now but i'd love to say that i'm a (kinda) entertainer.
Music, dance, and acting unite me into the world i never know i have... Those bring pleasure to me also the only things that i don't have to hide from. I can be as true as i am when i'm on stage.
I danced a lot, sang a lot... I auditioned for the Beauty and the Beast the musical and got a part...
I made a student activity which was supervised directly by the University, i made that Ballet activity for students and i was the chairwoman for almost 3 years, i was into so many organizations which blew my name up...
Yes, i was on the TOP of the world. I got power, i got respect everywhere i go, and even my enemy was scared to see me in the eyes. I got everything. I've done what people said was impossible to do.
I DID IT. I REALLY DID IT.
With a lot of struggles on those, i learned not to trust people easily; i kept my circle small.
There was this guy, young and amazing. I fell in love with him, and i thought he did or maybe he did. We started to date and the love grew stronger, at least for me. That was i believed.
He knew all my struggles and he was a very good and helpful companion to me, i could share him everything, the burden, the anger, the joy, the laughter, EVERYTHING.
The worst part of me is (as always) i would give everything to the one i love. Everything here means literally EVERYTHING. Even when he asked me to do the strict diet to keep myself in shape, i did it. I LOVE HIM COMPLETELY.
Long story short, i was in a real deep love. I sacrificed everything for him, even my future.
I gave him the most important thing every girls have. I'm not gonna say it but i bet you guys understand by what i meant.
And, we had a child. A Son.
I remember perfectly it was on December 26th, 2013 the first time i found out that i was pregnant with one. I didn't even realize that i was pregnant because i had a lot of diet pills and i was in a very strict diet. I got to lose 10kgs (i was 55kgs, now i'm 60kg) to be easily lifted on that pas de deux.
I didn't even realize that i was pregnant because i thought that was the hormones were changed by the strict diet. That's all.
I was in 4 months (almost 5, i think) pregnancy at that time and i still be lifted, danced so hard, jogged a lot, did the 250 sit ups at once, and some crazy stuff.
You know what? that baby survived and thank God for that.
Soon after i found that i was pregnant, i resigned from all the showcases and all the world that i knew made me happy. NOT because i wanted to, but i DIDN'T have any other choice. I cried a lot since then.
How about that guy with whom i was fall in love so hard? He was there. Still right beside me during the pregnancy and the labor. After that? he was still there for few months until his graduation.
How about my parents? They were so damn disappointed with me; which is normal, very normal i guess.
They keep asking me to beg for responsibility from "the father."
I did it for like 2,5 years. After that? i felt like i had to let him go. The day he decided to be back to his hometown, everything is OVER. Literally OVER. I was pregnant in 2013 (December the first time i found out), i graduated in 2015 (April, 2015), he graduated in 2016 (April), and he was back home in May 2016. Now, we are still communicating (sometimes). I don't have the heart to block his access to know about his son.
It was a real hard times. REAL HARD TIMES. I'm not gonna lie.
I forget how to be happy, to have some fun, and to love myself.
I shut everybody out of my life. I couldn't stop blaming myself (even until now, sometimes).
I worked for the first time in June 2016. I met people and no one has ever caught my attention. Well, there was 2 people but i never felt what people said "fall in love" for real. I did once but it didn't work well.
I started to close myself all over again, cold as an ice.
I was resign from my company in January 2017 and start to work again in another company in June 2017.
Every time i got interviewed for a company, i never lied about my status: A mother of one with no marriage. They said "We don't even care."
I tried to accept myself for who i am. I learn how to have my own "self acceptance."
I met a man, he is good, kind-hearted man, and pay attention to every single day in my life; BUT we can't be together. So many differences between us and a romance relationship will NEVER happen. At least, no, not with this man. We both know that. 😍 But this man is AMAZING.
Some guys i met, they just don't responsible enough. I always tell them about what happened to me and all the stories of myself just to know what kind of guy they are. The responses are vary. Some accept me they way i am (with that "naughty" thoughts) and some just wanted "sex" which i CAN'T give to them EVER!!
The power of self acceptance is unbelievable. In short, i try to recompose myself from everything that has happened, for now.
I start to believe in myself for everything.
Slowly but sure i start to open my heart and i wish i can find a real gentleman later on (or maybe i have found him, this man is unbelievable amazing OMG).
The criterion of a man i'm looking for? really? uhmm, i have no specific criterion for that. I will simply know from his eyes, eyes don't lie for sure. I'll find my home when i see him.
A Home where i can run to when the whole world is against me,
A Home where i can cry the whole time i'm feeling down.
The one who i can lay my whole world..
Anyway, you'll know that he's the one when you see him, right? 😂😂
I'll tell you guys soon when i'm sure he's the one. LOL.
Things haven't turn out for me yet, not now. One day it will and i'm sure about that.
For now? i consider myself moving on already and happy. Remember, self acceptance is important. Hard but it will be worth all the tears. I do believe in Karma and fairy tales do come true.
Everything happens for a reason.
Anyway guys, if you have the same experience like me, you just have to get up. I know it is not easy. It will never be easy but you are not alone. The cycle is : Happened-shock-cry-get up.
Problems in life always have two sides of coin, depends on what angle you see it. Well for me, i choose to see it from the brighter side. 😊😊
Warmest Regards,
Jane Subagio
maaf baru bisa nulis lagi... most of the reason was because i'm simply lazy. that's all...
maafkan penyakit yang tak kunjung sembuh ini...
Okay, postingan kali ini sebenernya gak mau bahas soal review makeup atau apapun itu...
I just think you guys deserve to know how i get up after everything happened in my life dan mungkin hal yang sama juga dirasakan sebagian orang (khususnya yang punya certa seperti aku). I want you guys to know that you are not alone and never be alone. End of story.
I'll start from the very beginning tho...
I was into singing from my elementary school... choir for most....
I started to dance when i was in Senior high school.. i found both things are amazing to me... those can be my best remedy and escapism, later on, i found acting also in my blood... i don't even know what to call myself until now but i'd love to say that i'm a (kinda) entertainer.
Music, dance, and acting unite me into the world i never know i have... Those bring pleasure to me also the only things that i don't have to hide from. I can be as true as i am when i'm on stage.
I danced a lot, sang a lot... I auditioned for the Beauty and the Beast the musical and got a part...
I made a student activity which was supervised directly by the University, i made that Ballet activity for students and i was the chairwoman for almost 3 years, i was into so many organizations which blew my name up...
Yes, i was on the TOP of the world. I got power, i got respect everywhere i go, and even my enemy was scared to see me in the eyes. I got everything. I've done what people said was impossible to do.
I DID IT. I REALLY DID IT.
With a lot of struggles on those, i learned not to trust people easily; i kept my circle small.
There was this guy, young and amazing. I fell in love with him, and i thought he did or maybe he did. We started to date and the love grew stronger, at least for me. That was i believed.
He knew all my struggles and he was a very good and helpful companion to me, i could share him everything, the burden, the anger, the joy, the laughter, EVERYTHING.
The worst part of me is (as always) i would give everything to the one i love. Everything here means literally EVERYTHING. Even when he asked me to do the strict diet to keep myself in shape, i did it. I LOVE HIM COMPLETELY.
Long story short, i was in a real deep love. I sacrificed everything for him, even my future.
I gave him the most important thing every girls have. I'm not gonna say it but i bet you guys understand by what i meant.
And, we had a child. A Son.
I remember perfectly it was on December 26th, 2013 the first time i found out that i was pregnant with one. I didn't even realize that i was pregnant because i had a lot of diet pills and i was in a very strict diet. I got to lose 10kgs (i was 55kgs, now i'm 60kg) to be easily lifted on that pas de deux.
I didn't even realize that i was pregnant because i thought that was the hormones were changed by the strict diet. That's all.
I was in 4 months (almost 5, i think) pregnancy at that time and i still be lifted, danced so hard, jogged a lot, did the 250 sit ups at once, and some crazy stuff.
You know what? that baby survived and thank God for that.
Soon after i found that i was pregnant, i resigned from all the showcases and all the world that i knew made me happy. NOT because i wanted to, but i DIDN'T have any other choice. I cried a lot since then.
How about that guy with whom i was fall in love so hard? He was there. Still right beside me during the pregnancy and the labor. After that? he was still there for few months until his graduation.
How about my parents? They were so damn disappointed with me; which is normal, very normal i guess.
They keep asking me to beg for responsibility from "the father."
I did it for like 2,5 years. After that? i felt like i had to let him go. The day he decided to be back to his hometown, everything is OVER. Literally OVER. I was pregnant in 2013 (December the first time i found out), i graduated in 2015 (April, 2015), he graduated in 2016 (April), and he was back home in May 2016. Now, we are still communicating (sometimes). I don't have the heart to block his access to know about his son.
It was a real hard times. REAL HARD TIMES. I'm not gonna lie.
I forget how to be happy, to have some fun, and to love myself.
I shut everybody out of my life. I couldn't stop blaming myself (even until now, sometimes).
I worked for the first time in June 2016. I met people and no one has ever caught my attention. Well, there was 2 people but i never felt what people said "fall in love" for real. I did once but it didn't work well.
I started to close myself all over again, cold as an ice.
I was resign from my company in January 2017 and start to work again in another company in June 2017.
Every time i got interviewed for a company, i never lied about my status: A mother of one with no marriage. They said "We don't even care."
I tried to accept myself for who i am. I learn how to have my own "self acceptance."
I met a man, he is good, kind-hearted man, and pay attention to every single day in my life; BUT we can't be together. So many differences between us and a romance relationship will NEVER happen. At least, no, not with this man. We both know that. 😍 But this man is AMAZING.
Some guys i met, they just don't responsible enough. I always tell them about what happened to me and all the stories of myself just to know what kind of guy they are. The responses are vary. Some accept me they way i am (with that "naughty" thoughts) and some just wanted "sex" which i CAN'T give to them EVER!!
The power of self acceptance is unbelievable. In short, i try to recompose myself from everything that has happened, for now.
I start to believe in myself for everything.
Slowly but sure i start to open my heart and i wish i can find a real gentleman later on (or maybe i have found him, this man is unbelievable amazing OMG).
The criterion of a man i'm looking for? really? uhmm, i have no specific criterion for that. I will simply know from his eyes, eyes don't lie for sure. I'll find my home when i see him.
A Home where i can run to when the whole world is against me,
A Home where i can cry the whole time i'm feeling down.
The one who i can lay my whole world..
Anyway, you'll know that he's the one when you see him, right? 😂😂
I'll tell you guys soon when i'm sure he's the one. LOL.
Things haven't turn out for me yet, not now. One day it will and i'm sure about that.
For now? i consider myself moving on already and happy. Remember, self acceptance is important. Hard but it will be worth all the tears. I do believe in Karma and fairy tales do come true.
Everything happens for a reason.
Anyway guys, if you have the same experience like me, you just have to get up. I know it is not easy. It will never be easy but you are not alone. The cycle is : Happened-shock-cry-get up.
Problems in life always have two sides of coin, depends on what angle you see it. Well for me, i choose to see it from the brighter side. 😊😊
Warmest Regards,
Jane Subagio
